1. Most Blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in right away: I got a good woman"with the meanest face in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
I got a good woman"with the meanest face in town.
I got a good woman"with the meanest face in town.
She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pounds.
4. The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other
acceptable Blues transportation modes include Greyhound buses and
southbound trains. Walkin" plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does
fixin" to die. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and
state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can"t sing the Blues. They ain't
fixin' to die yet. In the Blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get the
electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.
7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression. The
best places to have the Blues are still Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck rolled over on it
is.
9. The following colors do not belong in the Blues: violet, beige,
mauve (unless you"re truly desperate for a rhyme).
9. You can"t have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty
bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places to have the Blues: ashrams,
gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf courses, Tiffany's,
and Ivy League institutions.
11. No one will believe it"s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man"and it"s an old black suit.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Answer "Yes" if:
a. your first name is a southern state"like Georgia
b. you"re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can"t be satisfied.
e. you're older than dirt
Answer "No" if:
a. you once were blind but now can see.
b. you"re deaf
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a trust fund or an IRA.
e. you have all your teeth
f. you were once blind but now can see
13. Blues is not about color, it's about bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot
sing the blues; Gary Coleman could. Ugly old white people got a leg up on
the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will never sing the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it"s the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, beer, black
coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher wine, sparkling
water, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast. Although Rubber Biscuits
and the Wish Sandwich are famous blues snacks, better stick to common blues
grub like Greasy Bar-b-que, Fatback and beans, and Government cheeze. Blues
food is never: Club sandwich, Sushi, or Cr"me brule.
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it"s a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is
substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in an emergency
room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.
16. Excellent names for female Blues singers: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie,
or Fat River Dumpling. Excellent names for male Blues singers: Willie,
Joe, Little Willie, Lightning, or Big Willie. Singers with names like Muffy,
Sierra, Auburn, Alexis, Gwenyth, Sequoiz, Brittany or Rainbow are not
permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in
Memphis.
17. The Build Your Own Blues Singer Name Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Asthmatic)
b. First name (from above lists) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of a U. S. president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Okay,
maybe not "Kiwi"")
18. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you
cannot sing the Blues. You'd best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun. Maybe your big ass woman just done sit on it. I don't care
19. Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks
singin' the Blues ain't never had much a chance for education. In the Blues" the three R's stand for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.
20. It gots to be dark to sing the blues, preferably after midnight.
Singin' da blues at noon is forbidden.
21. If none of the above works, try one last, pathetic stab at
authenticity: name your guitar. Remember, Lucille is taken.
22. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this
morning"
