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The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for
Daddys, and kids
with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to
listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day
of your life if
you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of
things is important
to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!
Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work
for it. Now
quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of
life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed
around a city,
keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed,
it would explode!
I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow
Down."
"I want to share something with you - three sentences
that will get
you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart
as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my
specialty. 'Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People
die all the time.
Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.
Well, goodnight."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it
hasn't, it's
that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot
oil wrestling and
foxy boxing and such and such."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything
from that guy
who gives those sermons at church? Captain
what's-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took
you to all those
Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear
anybody laughin',
did you?"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without
adding, you're
making a scene.'"
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I guess you heard by now, according to that video
that was shown in
court, Michael Jackson used chimps to clean at the
Neverland Ranch.
That's really bizarre, isn't it? Have you ever heard
anyone say, "Your
place is so spotless. I need to get the name of your
cleaning monkey."
--Jay Leno
---
"We should have a way of telling people they have bad
breath. 'Well,
I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got
to make a phone
call, hold this gum in your mouth.'" --Brad Stine
---
"I can't seem to bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess
I'll be toddling
along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I
can't guess I'll
toddle." --Robert Benchley
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a
young lady-friend
of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out
with someone he's
never seen before. "What do I do if she's really
unattractive?" says
Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and
meet her first.
If you like what you see, then everything goes as
planned. If you
don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma
attack."
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when
she comes out
he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is.
He's about to
speak when the girl suddenly shouts:
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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--------------------------------------------------------------
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny
Smithville
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before
the service
starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk
about their lives,
their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone
starts screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other
in their
determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for
one man, who
sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that G~d's
ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan
a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you
know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, I sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, I sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of
me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
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----------------------------------------------------------------
What is Life Without Email
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with
Microsoft as a janitor.
The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude
test (Section:
Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, "You will be
employed at minimum
wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address,
so that I can
send you a form to complete and tell you where to
report for work on
your first day."
Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a
computer nor an
e-mail address. To this the Microsoft manager replies,
"Well then,
that means that you virtually don't exist and can
therefore hardly
expect to be employed."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and
having only $10
in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of
tomatoes at the
supermarket.
Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes
individually at
100% profit. Repeating the process several times more
that day,he ends
up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily
make a living
selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going
to bed late, he
multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport
several dozen boxes
of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that
he can buy a
pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the
end of the
second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup
trucks and manages a
staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all
selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he
decides to buy
some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance
adviser, he picks an
insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the
end of the
telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his
e-mail address in
order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the
adviser is stunned,
"What! You don't have e-mail? How on earth have you
managed to amass
such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and
e-commerce? Just imagine
where you would be now, if only you had been connected
to the Internet
from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire
replied, "Why, of
course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
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------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her
dishwasher quit working.
He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours"
appointment and since
she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the
key under the mat.
Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter,
and I'll mail you a
check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside
named Killer; he
won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever
you do, do not talk
to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the
repairman, but
the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed,
yelled, screamed, and
about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying,
"You stupid bird,
why don't you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
Gil T. Wilson
http://www.gilwilson.com
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"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."
-Robin Williams
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