"Paul is Undead" by Alan Goldsher

"Paul is Undead"
by Alan Goldsher
read by Simon Vance
published by Blackstone Audio (2010)
Approx 8 hours

As the kids say, "OMG," I am still giggling thinking about this book and I finished it 2 days ago. "Paul is Undead" has got to be one of the funniest books I've read in a long time. This book is written in the format of the many biographies of rock stars in that it is a series of interviews that tell the story. This time though the story is not the story we all know as the rise of The Beatles to the "Toppermost of the Poppermost," a phrase used by John Lennon throughout the book and the definition is not fully understood until the very end.

In the tradition of all the horror mashups that have been released recently, (e. g. "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies," and "Sense and Sensibility and Seamonsters," and "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter") Alan Goldsher gives it a go, mashing up the supernatural and the Beatles. The entire history of The Beatles is retold with The Beatles now being Zombies and wanting to take over the world. Okay, really only 3 of the Beatles are zombies, Ringo is a 7th level Ninja, of course.

When you rush out to get this book, I would HIGHLY recommend getting the audiobook version. Simon Vance does a superb job of not just reading the book but performing it as well. Vance does his best impression of all celebrities mentioned in the book including the Fab 4, but with more, he does the voice of the Chicago reporter who is writing the book, Mick Jagger, Ed Sullivan, Elvis, Rod Argent, Yoko Ono, Bob Dylan, Roy Orbison, Satan and more. At times I felt as though I were listening to an audio biography produced by Ken Burns (but without the long drawn out scenes.) Vance had me laughing out loud with my headphones on with his presentation of this already hilarious book.

The book opens with Howard Cosell breaking in and announcing the attempted beheading of John Lennon by Mark David Chapman. Lennon's head is reattached and Chapman is arrested. From there we go back to the birth of John Lennon when as he came out of the womb he was zombified via the "Liverpool Process." The "Liverpool Process" of creating zombies is different from many other zombie creations known around the world. The "Liverpool Process" produces a super human zombie that can think, has supernatural powers, great speed, can hypnotize anyone, and can tear off and reattach any limb and more. Oh they still hunger for the gray matter but they can also eat , drink and experiment with drugs, the brain eating is saved for special occasions.

John then recruits/turns Paul and the duo are unstoppable, George Harrison is turned by Paul because John thinks he is too young. Stu Sutcliffe doesn't get turned to a zombie instead after quitting the Beatles he becomes a vampire. After the three play a few gigs they realize they need to replace Pete Best because they need a drummer who can protect the band. Enter Ringo Starr, a 7th level ninja, who can turn himself invisible (great subtle joke there).

Sure they have their problems, after all the world doesn't quite know what to do with zombies, but they make great music. Even worse, world renowned zombie hunter, Mick Jagger, is always trying to destroy them. Rod Argent is accused of riding the Beatles' coattails by naming his band The Zombies, even though they aren't undead. Roy Orbison is a deity of unknown proportion who doesn't allow Paul to steal his glasses. Smoking marijuana creates zombie flatulence which creates a purple haze of a more potent material that takes Bob Dylan by surprise. The Mahareshi Yogi gets dismembered, and finally Yoko Ono a 9th level ninja, has it out for Ringo.

All the stories are there, from their first Ed Sullivan appearance, the Shea Stadium troubles, and the band playing a concert on the rooftop of Abbey Road Studios, but with the hilarious zombie twist. For any Beatles fan this book is a must, it will have you laughing throughout.
Lots of gory laughs to be had.

"Sh*t My Dad Says" by Justin Halpern

"Sh*t My Dad Says"
by Justin Halpern
read by Sean Schemmel
Published by Harper Audio (2010)
Approx 3 hours

I've been listening to some pretty heavy duty literature lately and decided I needed some light-hearted entertainment. Also I am taking part in the local library's Adult Summer Reading program and for every ten books read I get an entry into the drawing for some cool prizes, so I needed to find some shorter books. I have been a follower of Justin Halpern's twitter feed for "Sh*t My Dad Says" before the book and the TV series and and have found the musings to be hilarious at times. This book surprised me in that it not only has those funny quotes but also includes some short stories/essays on various events in Justin's upbringing. Some of them surprisingly poignant. Justin's Dad, Sam Halpern, who provides the colorful views of the world comes across a bit harsh at first but after listening to this book I was left with the overview of a worldly wise man that sincerely loves his family.

Sam Halpern, is a retired doctor (Nuclear Medicine) and former Navy man and can cuss better than anyone I know. In the book Justin says his favorite is "Bullsh*t," and can use the word to mean a variety of different things and all those things vary by his intonation. On top of that the reader, Sean Schemmel is able to portray Sam exactly the way I heard him when I read the tweets, and is able to discern the different intonations of "Bullsh*t." Sean does a superb job of voicing this fun book.

I will say that if foul language highly offends you, you may want to stay away...but they are only words in fact Sam Halpern says this, ""They're offended? F--k, s--t, a----le, s--tf--k; they're just words...Fine. S--tf--k isn't a word, but you get my point." I found the book extremely funny and for 3 days my commute to and from work was the best ever. I could list several quotes in this review but instead I'll just provide the link to the twitter feed so you can get a good idea of some of the quotes, but keep in mind many of the good parts of this audio book are the stories told. Many of the stories are in reference to a father providing help in the different phases of any kid growing up, at times I recognized myself in the stories and while Justin Halpern had a more colorfully described life, I could definitely relate.

When all is said and done this book is basically about a man that loves his family and will do anything for them, the rest of the world can go to hell.

Here's the link for the twitter feed: http://twitter.com/Shitmydadsays

"The Code of the Zombie Pirate" by Scott Kenemore

"The Code of the Zombie Pirate"
by Scott Kenemore
Published by Skyhorse Publishing (2010)
248 pages

Okay to be honest, I've never really been a fan of pirates, however, give me a good zombie apocalypse and I can't refuse, but having read a couple of other books by Scott Kenemore, I saw no harm in reading this, in fact I knew I was going to have some fun. That's exactly what I got some fun and some zombies and you will to if you pick up this fun handbook on how to sail the seas pillaging with a crew of zombies.

Scott Kenemore taught us how to get ahead in the business world in "Z.E.O," how to win a war with "The Art of Zombie Warfare" and has a novel about what it's like to be a zombie during a zombie apocalypse called, "Zombie, Ohio." So Scott knows what he's talking about when it comes to zombies.

Scott gives you the secrets to selecting, customizing and managing a crew of zombie pirates, including such important decisions like how to find the right vessel, where treasure chests are buried, how to create your pirate zombie flag and when to fly it. Taking the various assortment of zombies; fast, slow, voodoo created, brain eating and others, he plunks them down in the Caribbean during the 1700s hey day of piracy. You would think that placing the zombies in that era would hinder some of the arrangements and motivations but that just makes it more fun.

So whether you are a fan of pirates or a fan of zombies or both Scott Kenemore will tell you how to combine the two and be successful at your plunders and be able to retire to your own desert isle when all is said and done.

This book is full of some supernatural undead fun so check it out.

"Zombie, Ohio" by Scott Kenemore

"Zombie, Ohio"
by Scott Kenemore
Published 2011 by Skyhorse
304 pages

Every zombie Apocalypse movie or book talks about how people work to either escape from or destroy the zombies, but very few take you into the mind of a zombie. Yeah I know zombies are supposed to be mindless but what if they could think. Scott Kenemore takes that what if and explores the mind of a zombie in his latest book "Zombie, Ohio." Scott can pretty much be called an expert in Zombie-ology especially after looking at the books he's written. He's pretty much explored all you can do with zombies with titles such as; "The Zen of Zombie: Better Living Through the Undead" (2007), "Z.E.O", (2009),"The Art of Zombie Warfare" (2010),and "The Code of the Zombie Pirate" (2010). This time around he explores a Zombie Apocalypse through the mind of one certain Zombie.

Peter Mellor regains consciousness after having an automobile accident. He's having trouble remembering who he is but after checking his driver's license he finds out he's Peter Mellor and lives near Kenton College in Ohio. He finds his hat and begins to walk away from the accident to find his home. When he arrives at his house he finds stacks and stacks of books and empty bottles of scotch. He turns on the television and the only thing on TV is coverage of the Zombie Apocalypse hitting america. Zombies attacking and eating people, the government setting up safe zones and speculation as to how this occurred. Not remembering there was a zombie apocalypse just adds to his misery of not knowing anything.

Soon his friend (only friend he finds out), Sam, finds Peter in the house and is surprised to see Peter. Peter explains the accident and the memory loss. Sam in turn explains who Peter was. As it turns out he wasn't a great guy. A womanizer, a drunk and a philosphy professor at the college. Not too bright of a future, but Peter finds out also from Sam that his life recently turned around afer he met a woman that captivated him, in fact that was where he was headed before the accident, the woman's home which is one of those green homes where it is off the grid, possibly a great place to survive the zombie apocalypse. Sam offers to take Peter out to the house but after he stops and sees the doctor at the college.

Kenton College professors have stuck around defending the college from the zombies and seem to be doing a good job. Peter and Sam arrive at one of the watch points where the doctor is assisting in keeping watch over the cemetery killing zombies as they rise from the grave. Just as the doc is about examine Peter and check for a concussion, a zombie comes out of a grave and the shooting commences. Peter is splattered with zombie gore and goes in to wash himself off. In the restroom Peter removes his cap and sees his brain exposed on the top of his head. To Peter's horror he realizes he is a zombie and wonders what happens next. Being a philosophy professor he begins at first to contemplate his being. Sam comes in and Peter quickly puts the cap back on and hides his zombieness.

Sam takes Peter to his girlfriend, Vanessa's hide out and here Peter has to decide whether or not to expose his zombieness or to keep hiding. When Vanessa's neice goes missing Peter goes out to find the girl and discovers a biker that is trying to abduct the young girl, Peter attacks with all his zombie powers and eats the dead biker's brains...and oooh they taste sooo good! Peter jumps on a 4-wheeler and heads off to contemplate his future as a zombie. When he returns he finds the home destroyed and a few dead bikers in the yard, with Vanessa dead he has no reason to "live" and embraces his zombiness and begins to walk and eat brains.

Along this walk he attracts other zombies and forms a zombie army of sorts, making sure not to eat women or children (I guess even a zombie can have scruples), they soon become 400 strong and a force to be reckoned with. The army learns of his non-zombieness because of helicopters photographing him flipping them the bird and carrying and shooting guns. This makes him a target of interest to the military. Peter also accidentally discovers his death was not accidental and wants to find who killed him.

Written in first person, from Peter the Zombie's aspect, this book gives the reader a "film noir" feel while solving the mystery and experiencing exploits. Enjoy the gore, the killing and of course the brain eating while at the same time enjoying a mystery-love story adventure. This book is full of fun, from the funny to the whole end of the world via zombies. I hope Scott Kenemore will write more novels because his talent in telling a story is superb. While this book may not be on Oprah's list (unless she becomes undead sometime soon) it should be on any zombie lover's list.

"The Art of Zombie Warfare; How to Kick Ass Like the Walking Dead" by Scott Kenemore Illustrations by Adam Wallenta

"The Art of Zombie Warfare; How to Kick Ass Like the Walking Dead"
by Scott Kenemore
Illustrations by Adam Wallenta
published 2010 by Skyhorse Publising, Inc.
266 pgs.

It all started out as a great promotion on the radio station I work for (WAKO radio in Illinois), I would interview some authors and have a pre-Halloween party. I found Scott Kenemore's series of Zombie books and thought, next to George Romero, here may be an authority on zombies. After several LOLs and needing stitches for my side I decided not only does Scott Kenemore know his zombies but he knows some history as well.

"The Art of Zombie Warfare" is a funny book about how you can not only fight like a zombie but how to raise your own zombie army and become a zombie general. So at this point you may be asking, why fight like a zombie? I think this section of the book best explains why.

If cut off from communications with HQ:
--Conventional soldiers will hold position and attempt to reestablish lines of communication
--Zombie soldiers will hunt and kill the enemy.

If caused to encounter unforseen obstacles, natural disasters, or confusing signs from the enemy:
--Conventional soldiers will wait for word from senior command on how they ought to proceed in light of this new development.
--Zombie soldiers will hunt and kill the enemy.

If faced with an overwhelming foe they cannot possibly hope to defeat themselves:
--Conventional soldiers will call for reinforcements, request an air strike, or just run away.
--Zombie soldiers will hunt and kill the enemy.

See a pattern here?

Scott goes further to explain how throughout all history ,mainly through movies and books, that zombies are the best fighting machine ever. He does this with the best tongue in cheek humor that while it may appear from the cover you are reading a horror book, but in reality you will find yourself laughing out loud several times while reading. Not only are there some funny parts throughout the book but Scott also makes references to all zombie movies ever made, from Dawn of the Dead to Return of the Living Dead to Army of Darkness and all the ones in between.

The first half of the book fully explains how to fight like a zombie and the virtues of fighting like a zombie while the second half describes how to become a zombie general. This is an important part, because, well basically because zombies can't be led. So how do you lead the unleadable? Scott explains that it's not leading because you may get in the way, but that you are there to take credit and rule the world. Whether it's storming a castle, encroaching on visiting early 19th century missionaries ona small island off the Haitian coast, or taking over the local shopping mall, the zombies will win.

Scott Kenemore even discusses historical figures that fought like zombies. People such as Civil War General Ambrose Burnside, 2nd Century Chinese zombie commander Sima Yi, and the Nazis.

So if you are looking for a fun romp through Zombie land, check out Scott Kenemore's "The Art of Zombie Warfare," the most fun you'll ever have with the undead.

Your Chance to win: "The Art of Zombie Warfare - How to Kick Ass Like the Walking Dead" by Scott Kenemore

Your Chance to win:
"The Art of Zombie Warfare - How to Kick Ass Like the Walking Dead"
by Scott Kenemore
Skyhorse Publishing
2010
266 pgs.

I've got a Halloween treat for you. This time I'm teaming up with Skyhorse Publishing http://www.skyhorsepublishing.com to give you a chance to win a copy of the book, "The Art of Zombie Warfare - How to Kick Ass Like the Walking Dead" by Scott Kenemore. All you have to do is comment below and on Halloween I'll draw the winner's name and you'll receive your own copy. Comment and make sure you leave a way for me to contact you. If you don’t feel comfortable leaving your email address then email me gil (at) gilwilson (dot) com and let me know you commented. Drawing to be held Sunday, October 31, 2010.

Do you dream of becoming a soldier who fights with the efficacy and skill of a zombie? Are you a general commander seeking to imbue your troops with the ruthless, soulless killing efficiency of an animated corpse? Are you a voodoo priest or wizard desiring to raise an actual army of zombies to help you conquer the land and install yourself as ruler? Then this is the book for you! With "The Art of Zombie Warfare" you will learn how to fight without weapons, communicate wordlessly, and enjoy the multifarious battlefield strategy benefits that come with always just walking straight at the enemy.

5 tips for adopting the zombie combat style in this book:
Withstand massive amounts of damage.
Dish it out like a zombie.
Don't follow treaties or rules of any kind
Fight like you're already dead.
Be quiet.

Written by the author of "Zen of Zombie" and "Z.E.O," "The Art of Zombie Warfare" is the most authoritative tome available today on the subject of zombie combat.

Available @ Amazon and http://www.skyhorsepublishing.com

comment below to win. Drawing to be held Sunday October 31, 2010.

"Beyond All Weapons" by L. Ron Hubbard

"Beyond All Weapons"
by L. Ron Hubbard
Multicast performance
Produced by Galaxy Audio
Approx. 2 hours.

I have figured it out, right before I start any audio book which is 10 hours or more of listening time, I'm going to fill in with an intermission of one of these L. Run Hubbard audio pulps. Back in the day before a movie the audience would get treated to a cartoon, serial or news reel. Well these audio pulps released by Galaxy Audio are just like those serials, and some of the stories are "cartoony," in that they are fun and short. These larger than life characters and interesting adventures are the perfect fit for a two hour audio enjoyment.

One of the main reasons for the audio enjoyment is the great acting. In researching these stories, I found they put the actors in the same room at the same time so they can see what each other is doing and work off that, much like the old time radio shows. Another feature is the original music composed specifically for each book. Very creative and innovative audio book production by Galaxy Audio.

The latest in my adventures is the book "Beyond All Weapons," a collection of stories that were originally published in the science-fiction pulps of the 40s and 50s. This audio book contains three sci-fi stories that demonstrate Hubbard's science fiction mastery but also the stories in this particular edition seem to be a bit more brainy. In fact the first one is a very neat explanation of Einstein's theory of Relativity as it pertains to space travel.

Let me sum up each story one by one.

"Beyond All Weapons", originally published in "Super Science Stories," January, 1950 is about the colonists of Mars wanting to get away from and destroy the tyrannical war mongers that have taken over Earth and threaten to take over Mars. The fighters have recently acquired a new fuel that will enable them to reach light speed and take the "refugees" out of the system. They manage to have enough for ships to arrive at a new habitable planet after 9 days, covering several thousand light years. Once settled on the planet they make a weapon that will enable them to return to Earth and defeat the tyrannical government. But returning to Earth they find all life gone. The twist in the story not only gives the brain a good physica problem to solve but Hubbard has also built in a bit of a morality tale into this story that will leave thinking philosophically.

"Strain," originally published in Astounding Science Fiction, April 1942, tells of a prisoner of war and how the enemy tortures him to find the secrets of an impending invasion. This story is one of futility and pain as the officer does everything he can think of to escape and once that is determined to be an unobtainable goal he becomes determined not to share the secrets. Once again Hubbard throws that inevitable twist in the story that would leave a fan of "The Twilight Zone," gasping.

The final story "The Invaders," originally published in Astounding Science Fiction, January 1942, is a little more of a light-hearted story, especially when compared to the previous two emotional stories. This one tells of a technician that was sent to a nebula where a rare and valuable crystal is being mined. However the miners are under constant attack from beings that seem to adapt to each weapon being used. The technician is sent to create a new weapon that will destroy the creatures so the crystal can be mined safely. The officer in charge of the the mining facility seems to do everything to keep the technician from destroying the creatures. The technician wants to explore outside the nebula and deep inside, with no real concern for the creatures, but the officer just wants his weapon. Eventually the problem is solved but I will warn you, this one is very deep philosophically and yet a bit humorous.

All in all these pulps bring back the years of the pulp magazines of the mid 20th century and bring back some fun stories that should not be forgotten.

"Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith

"Pride and Prejudice and Zombies"
by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith
read by Katherine Kellgren
produced by Brilliance Audio
Approx. 11 hours


Being a horror fan the title of this book just screamed, "read me," but at the same time I was not looking forward to revisiting one of those classic books that you were forced to read back in the school days whether high school or college. I am really glad I did. This book is beyond any horror entertainment, it contains some great tongue-in-cheek humor. Really though, the best part of the book is that Seth Grahame-Smith stayed true to the Jane Austen writing while throwing in zombies, ninjas and Xiaolin monks (remember David Carradine & "Kung Fu"?).

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains." That's how this book begins and right off you can tell this is not Jane Austen's novel, but I will say that for the first couple of chapters I began to wonder. It seemed like all Seth did was throw in a few references to zombies and the strange plague, but once the ball in which Mr. Bingley is to be introduced to the Bennet sisters begins and the zombies break in to attack the living, the Bennet sisters and their father form the pentagram of death stance and begin their Xiaolin warrior tactics to lop of the heads of the zombies. From this point on the reader/listener is unleashed into what may be the first zombie/romance novel.

For those of you that have read the Jane Austen novel and appreciate the great literary work, don't worry you won't be let down. In fact I think those that have read and appreciate the original may enjoy this retelling even more, and may find yourself laughing at the fun that is this novel. For those of you ought for a zombie massacre adventure, be careful you are going to be getting some classic literature thrown at you.

Without going through the entire synopsis of this story, I think I'll just point out some of the main features that makes this something worth picking up.

It is true that Mrs. Bennet is out to get her daughters married off, but Mr. Bennet feels that the girls' training in the "deadly arts" is needed to protect their home from the "unmentionables" (zombies). Elizabeth Bennet comes to despise Mr. Darcy due to prejudices she has developed against him from her observations. When he proposes marriage to Elizabeth they draw their Katanas (swords) and begin a martial arts showdown that leaves Mr. Darcy slightly wounded.

Lady Catherine, while entertaining Elizabeth in her home, wants to show off her ninja bodyguards and allows Elizabeth, with her lowly Kung Fu training, to spar against 4 of her ninjas. Elizabeth proceeds to kill all four ninjas, and does so while blindfolded. Later when Lady Catherine says she will not allow Elizabeth to marry her brother Darcy, the two match fighting prowess to the death for the honor. Elizabeth wins but as her punishment leaves Lady Catherine alive so she can witness the marriage of the two.

Oh yeah and zombies are in this book also. All in all this book is just one great mashup that is fun to read.

"Snuff" by Chuck Palahniuk

"Snuff"
by Chuck Palahniuk
Read by Todd McLaren
Produced by Tantor Media
approx. 5 hours


Whoa! Okay, I knew what I was getting myself into when I picked up the is Chuck Palahniuk audio book...but still, Whoa! "Snuff" is a novel that explores the dark underbelly of the world of porn but also maybe a little dark lesson on life and relationships.

This novel is told through the voices of 4 main characters as the queen of porn, Cassie Wright, brings her porn career to an end by breaking the world record for serial fornication, on camera with six hundred men. Each of the 4 characters have a huge stake in the making of this movie and as the listener jumps from inside head to head of each character to hear their story something dark unfolds. The characters are; Mr. 72, Mr. 137, Mr. 600, and Wright's personal assistant, Sheila.

Mr. 72 is a young man out to save Cassie Wright. Mr. 72 thinks he is the son of Cassie Wright whom she put up for adoption. As the book progresses it is learned that Cassie may have had what is called a "porn-child," a child conceived during filming of one her movies. Mr. 72 reveals his strange childhood with his adopted parents and the eventual discovery and lusting after who could be he mother, Cassie Wright. Very disturbing is the best way to describe the way Mr. 72 discovers who his mom could be and the way he continues to act once that discovery is made.

Mr. 137 is a has been television actor. He once had the biggest show on television in which he was a detective. However it is revealed that once the public became aware of a gay porn movie he made in his youth the studio fires him and his series is cancelled. His appearance in this record-breaking movie could get him more "face-time" and maybe he could make a comeback.

Mr. 600 is legendary porn star Branch Bacardi. Branch is considered to be the father of Cassie's porn-child, but he denies this is possible. Branch is also looking at this film to revitalize his career but his reasoning is that in filming this record breaking feat, Cassie Wright could die from an embolism. So Mr. 600 wants be known as the man who killed Cassie Wright on film.

Finally we get to the wrangler, Sheila. Sheila is Cassie Wright's personal assistant who comes up with the idea to end her career with this film. Sheila also makes it possible for the lost child of Cassie to become very rich by talking her into taking out life insurance payable to the child. Sheila is also the one who decides who is next to be filmed. The "actors" are not filmed in numerical order, but rather randomly so that editing of the film can make the film more interesting. Sheila also has a hidden secret.

This novel is very dark and disturbing but in that darkness is some funny dark humor thrown in. It can't all be tragic, I guess. Some of the funnier moments are the various names for men which Sheila comes up with. Also funny are the names of the films listed in which Cassie has starred. Neither of these will be repeated by me, knowing that some younger folk may read this, but for the movies keep in mind the running joke of porn movies renamed after "normal" movies.

Once again Chuck Palahniuk dives into the dark seedy side of life to bring out a point. Good reading or listening.